At 6am in Canada time I get a call. I AM THE NATWEST ANTI-FRAUD ROBODROID WOMAN, PLEASE ENTER ON YOUR KEYPAD THE FOLLOWING ITEMS OF SECURITY. I did. It failed. So the bitch put me on hold and about 1 minute later (80p in real money) I get a human. The call only took a further 45 seconds. Why didn’t they send a human to call me in the first place?!?! I feel I might complain, their robots are starting to annoy me.

The end of it all, was a dodgy cashpoint that couldn’t fulfil my transactions so cancelled it which then started the fraud system process of locking off my card. The problem being - THIS WAS OVER 3 DAYS AGO.

But at least the fraud system works. Sort of.

WTF?

Originally uploaded by Кевин

Anybody want to explain what this sign is trying to tell me? I can see a stick man, some hashings and a box making a right turn.

Other than that it doesn’t make any sense.

I enjoyed my saturday, granted that I only got 3 hours before I had to get up again and that I did my laundry during that time and it didn’t even dry correctly so I had to, as expected, hang it all over the control centre to dry out (imagine my pants flung over monitors and desks). I discovered on friday evening that I was working the saturday morning AND the afternoon so I was a bit pissed off to say the least. But I got over it.

At 17.00 I finished work, had a shower here (their council tax now includes me as a permanent resident) then off to the horror that was Sainsburys on mothers-day eve to buy lagers AND pro-plus (cos I was hanging out me arse). Headed over to Matt’s to meet up with Pretty Craig and go out for the evening.  It was all good drank far too much at Matt’s, Speedpeedoed a Stella until I couldn’t take it as the blasphemous thing was well nasty!  We then headed out in to town, I think that’s when it all went down hill.  I made a point of getting properly bollox’d cos I had to be in work for 0900 to show the rest up!

I think in that evening I bought everybody drinks all night cos I ended it on the following day with only £5.35 to my name and I had ALOT more than that to hand.  So my budget is well blown to bits.

Anyways, back to the story at hand, we suddenly then went in to Melksham (about 10 miles away) I made an arse of myself and we taxi’d back to Craig’s pad to end off the evening.  At that point it kind of got a bit emo and I spent most of the evening crying which I find is well cool when you’re in the presence of other people.

I woke up the following morning and looked at my phone for the time and decided “I’m going to be sick” and barged through Craig’s room to the toilet to do just that.  Ace.

Then walked in to work, hanging, had my shower and started my 30 hour shift. Joy.

… until 0.00 this evening when I get back in I feel like a drink.  Mmmm alcoholic beverages.

But I don’t have any lager

I can’t get to sleep without my music but my iPod died out when I started to play my music. Understand my annoyance with the bloody thing.

Apple I will seek revenge!!!!!!!!!!!

Although I wonder why I’m blaming apple really, it is after all not their fault my battery went flat.

I can understand Turbo eating the job and shitting it all over the place, that’s fine, I’m down with that.  What I can’t understand is somebody going in there after it and saying “HAY I AUTHOTISE” to the agent when there ain’t shit all there.

Common sense?  I haven’t seen her in ages…..

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I went out in Bristol on a birthday party last night, everything started off cool the limo ride there was well wicked, but it all went a bit south from there.

Had a bit of relationship problems that interveined there and I spent most of the evening really sober trying to calm down a series of potential street fights and road traffic incidents.  This was of course followed by a series of phone calls and texts trying to get somebody from A to B before getting stranded in A.  And it nearly ment me going home via limo and taxi then getting my car and driving to Bristol again to pick up 1-2 people.

I’m not really angry or annoyed because at the end of the day it was between to other people and nothing could have stopped that roller coaster once it started and the night wasn’t a huge loss I did have fun in between all the other bits.

So if you were one of the people who I texted “WHERE THE FUCK IS PANASHE, I NEED TO KNOW NOW” this is why!

At work I have a bit of a reputation to collect shit.  Not just little bits and peices I’m talking proper shit.

«Hello, my sprinter broke down, I have no mobile and I’m calling on a phone box, oh and I’ll confirm everything you want to hear and I won’t listen to you»

Go back in to the notes and it’s a 4.5 tonne van which just about nobody can take let alone attend and no way to contact this man.  Solved after 2 solid hours.

 «My Hi-Lux slid in to a ditch, no there isn’t any dammage and I’m just lying to you right this moment.  Oh winching it out won’t work.»

After spending 30 minutes calling one recovery after the other I found somebody who could hiab this bag of shit out for me at what appeared to be a resonable rate and ETA considering they were hiabing like it was going out of style. Solved after 15 call, 4 hours and handed off once it turned out we couldn’t winch the fucking thing out because all four wheels we’re pointing to God.

 «Could you check the local dealers tomorrow and see if we can do this faster elsewhere, have it recovered if you need to.  Then let the fleet contact know.»

Walk straight in to a disaster, breakdown not followed up, recovery location somewhere in Luton vehicle actually in Tamworth somewhere.  The driver knows more than we do and they don’t know it.  Sorted, 2 days and only one impersonation of the client to the RAC.

«8.59 - IS THIS BOOKED IN, WHAT’S OUR ETA????? PASSED TO KEVIN»

«9.20 - Fleet manager called to complain, keep your review on this and chase it up»

This one I went proper spastic over, I had spent the previous day writing 6 pages of notes, in fact it was just short of actually explaining the tyre making process and how we were going to fit them.  I was even prepaired to drive up to Worcester myself and sort them with the amount of hard effort and harassment I put in to this job, when the following day I’m in at 10.00 to find at 8.59 in the morning one of my cow-orkers shat upon me to the fleet contact, who then of course complained because it didn’t look like I even bothered.  I then partook in a complete spas-out through the internal communication system before giving up after I received

 «So what’s the problem?»

Jesus christ on a stick.  I took 40 calls and rejected nearly 200 others because I couldn’t be fucked after that joyus event.  Sorted, following day at 16.10.

«That’s unacceptable!  I told your collegue this and he obviously dropped you right in the shit!»

Some of our drivers are complete knobs, it’s a fact of life, this one was a justified one, we promised him the world and sent him me to break the bad news.  He went ape shit on me for 10 minutes, then the last 5 minutes I gave him a realistic solution.  I got him a hire and had his issue sorted.  My notes are always professional as our clients may ask for them at anytime and get the whole version sent to them, my ones on this read.  «HIRE - 1.6 - Please obtain authorisation and see my mailbox prior» which read:

«In your stack you’ll find two jobs which I do not want to see back in mine, period.  A 1.6 was obtained how you gain authorisation isn’t my problem.  If he needs to be swapped out, it’s all yours.»

But of all my favourite ones this had to be it:

 «I’m in Tesco’s car park, I’ve been here since 9am.»

Mind you I got this call at 13.00, so we’re well in to complaint letter territory, solution get him recovered out of Tesco’s car park.  5 minutes.  Far from rocket science, except somebody sat on that egg until I received it rotten and in my face.

I love what I do.  Don’t get me wrong, all these kind of jobs actually make my work day exciting, but I want a change.  I want to try my hand at the accident management side, less of the OMG CALL TARGETS! and a whole lot more thought process (and it’ll allow me to get away with my over-described notes).  Plus the chairs are better and the aircon works.   I’m going to see if I can hurl myself at said challenge.

But as it was said this evening «they need you over here, if they lost you it’d be like losing a testicle» as well as my recent team brief document says (just after how my internal call rates are at near sackable numbers) «You take on and follow to the end complex and difficult jobs, this is a real commitment.»

So it makes asking about such a change to be a bit difficult as I do feel that if I were to wander away it would make things harder for some, but I’m not entirely the backbone of it either, everybody does their share and most of the time I just sit there in my corner and swear profusely (which is also grounds for disipline I might add) then fix things without spending most of my day sending the job between other people bitching while some poor sod is sat on the M1 in pouring rain waiting for the AA who will never come and move on to the next task.

Seriously.  I’ve never spent this much time thinking how I’ll approach something like this.  Crazy.

Today at lunch I was sent on a mission, 2 packs of 6pk Sainsburys Saussage Rolls and a packet of 20 Lambert & Butlers (in the silver packet).  Obviously a healthy diet to be had by all.

Seeing as I do not smoke I don’t usually get that “HOW DARE YOU” look, but I must say buying fags for the first time (legally - don’t ask) isn’t exactly what I need at mid day on a friday.  Sainsburys ladies can be such judgemental bitches.

I also nearly went spazzy at one of the co-workers as well for a job well fucked up.

ALSO SEX WEE: GOSSIPCITY RELEASED!!! I’m switching my theme this evening bizzatches!