Occasionally I have been known to have conversations that actually make little to no sense, most of which are with bizarre people on the phones.  This evening was but just one:

For the sake of easily identification, I shall be bolded and my caller will be average sized text.

Good Evening Zurich Municipal Kevin Speaking, How can I help?
I wish to register with teletrade, I received a leaftlet when I joined as a premier customer to call this number.
I’m sorry sir but you’ve come through to Zurich, where did you get this number from as we deal with road traffic incidents.
I got it from this leaflet sent from HSBC, it’s red and came in a white envelope!
Well sir, that may be the case, however, you have come through to Zurich on a motor insurance line.
Well I called 0845 *blah blah blah*.
I’m sorry sir there are litterally HUNDREDS of telephone numbers that come in to this building which I don’t have a list for I’m afraid.
But I got this number from the HSBC leaflet!
This may be the case, but we’re not HSBC, we’re ZURICH.  I apologise but you must have the wrong number somewhere.
Well then I don’t see why I’m speaking to you.*
Thank you for calling Zurich, good bye.

* At this point I would have loved to reply: You’ve spent the last 3 minutes challenging me on where I work, I’m not going to give in and say, well SUPPRISE this really is HSBC, happy april fools day now am I?

I actually want to get this call off the recording system and put it on here, it’s UNBELIEVABLE.  The above crappy transcription doesn’t quite show the amount of effort this man went through, even when he DESCRIBED the envelope the leaflet came in.

Boredom requires results - this is just one of them.

Ok, maybe they aren’t, as right now I’m sat unshaven in the cold wearing nothing but a scabby t-shirt and my pants (which find them selves covered by scabby trousers).  Buy hey, you can’t buy this kind of entertainment in shops now!

Anyways, today at work, what a pile of poop.  Busy, hecktic and it took 4 hours to get in a position to scoff down a saussage roll, this did not please me at all.

Other than that, literally nothing interesting sparks to mind.  Scary.

So yeah.  Be gone with you now.  I has nothing else to say!

… I’ll transfer your call to the relivant department.  Please enjoy some Justin Timberlake on the hold music.

Oh what a day this has been, I haven’t felt so much hate since 1987, «Die Robo Jungen»as per usual failed to show on a monday.  Probably because of some lame excuse or bollocks reasoning.  But what do I care, I just had to arrange my life to suit his selfish needs.  Woop woop.

I really need to spend some time at home in Brizzal, possibly some point over saturday as I’m off to Corby come Sunday for the Travis Perkins Family fun thing.  Woop.

Right now I think I might go bed like.  Booyaka!

I sit here in front of this PC trying to think of some kind of halarious update to keep us all amused, but I doubt it will happen.  As I am boring.  It happens so get over it.  I’ve got to work all day tomorrow and I think the internets has been stopped at work again so it could be rather boring to do an entire 13 HOUR shift with no entertainment.  Ho hum.

So far this week I’ve driven to Thatcham:

Did some work and other junk. Woop woop.

Теги: foto, boring, rubbish entry

Over the past few weeks the amount of dramatics in my life has increased twn fold. I’m convinced this is due to my adventures in “personal time” which I might add is highly over rated.

The biggest drama at the FSG was the now famous Not-So-Pay-Day, rumour has it accounts forgot they had a bank holiday and screwed up all our wages paying in to our accounts. The lower paid masses (bookings) appearently became ferocious and somewhat rabid with the figure head of accounts. As a result a select few were paid. Thankfully I was but one of them as I made it quite clear that my rent was going out and that if I didn’t get at least £500 by the morning of payday I’d extract it in selling his organs on the black market. This saw that my account was credited in full (where as most other people only got about a 3rd of what they were owed. Nice.

The next set of dramatics comes from my home place. We have a new tennant. I call her cat lady, because she’s a bit mental, like a cat woman, but without the cats. Our first conversation was “You’re the one who lives in that room. I smelled you on saturday night, it was nice.” I could only laugh, but I was scared on two counts. 1) this defines our relationship and a string of blog posts to follow and 2) I wasn’t there saturday night.

I then was cornered in the kitchen with nothing but a can of meat balls to defend me. She discussed the murder at the end of my road, I tried not to be scared of her mentalness and it ended when I abandonned all hope on eating. Possibly this will be the best diet I’ve ever done! Thankfully, other than making me have to use the motorway on saturday morning because she had to wake up and have a shower/bath at 0730 on said saturday morning (WHO THE HELL IS UP AT THAT TIME?!) I haven’t seen her since.

Also, My Matt has got himself married on Saturday. I don’t think anybody got invited but hey, still love him. See, I can forgive, one person mind, but cometh the alien invasion (I’ll be lasering you human bastards with my new overlords) I wouldn’t rely on this being a re-occurance.

Last night there was a barbeque and it was sound. Some photos can be found below:

This ended well with me vanishing in to the bedroom and crashing out.  Thankfully I didn’t drink enough to go from midly happy person to CRYING PSYCHO BITCH like I’ve done on previous occasions.  Oh how I love my new found drunk stage.  Not.

It was actually a cool event there were only a few of us and all we did was sit out in the sun and talk outside of the grim walls of our current overlords - the place of business.  We’ll have to do it again.  But I’ll try not to ram so much meat down my gob this time.

Anyways, right now I sit here on my Mobile Broadband at work, typing away being so professional (ie I seem to be a bit shirty with some of the drivers this evening, for I can not explain why) at work listening to my god, Jonny McGovern, the Gay Pimp.

Now, me so hungey.  I might steal some food from people…….

So it’s been a long long time since I’ve sat down to actually get around to writing a proper blog entry, I really need to be doing this more as quite frankly it’s a bit sad to have the best domain in the world and not use it to it’s full potential of internet evils.

We all know the FSG Rumour Mill has kept on top of my dramatic life and just about anything that has anything to do with anything. First of all my Craig situation, I love the kid but I can’t keep going with it, it’s a bitch and it hurts. He’s lovely, he’s ace but he’s not going to be my bizzatch ever and that makes the baby jesus cry. But we live, we move on and kill those in our paths.

The other situation that has properly blown up is my Matt and that well kicked off on my birthday, somehow, I’m sure just about anybody in the rumour mill knows what’s going on but I’m keeping my trap shut about it. Don’t get me wrong Claire was like “you’re the first person to be on top of all that” and she isn’ wrong, with our Carrie off having mini-me the mill is going a bit dry, so the vicious bitch over here is spreadin’ and stirin’ to make up for it. But that business, is nobody’s business and it’ll stay that way. Probably because I love Matt in that not so “I want down your Y fronts” way, in fact if it wasn’t for that cracking ass of his I think I’d like him to be family. But I’m afraid that’s an ass that won’t stop, so we can’t be doing the genetic thing and staring at it when it comes in to view.

During the week various things happened, really I should state that I need internets at work to give you the LIVE ACTION NEWS, but everytime I do I get told “OK YEAH” and it goes LOL ACCESS DENIED on me. But most memorable are:

Saturday Morning: One of our clients who have an accident rating HIGHER than the amount of vehicles they own, one of their drivers called in to say his NSF window was smashed in. This is not an issue, hey, I can even do this shit in my sleep, except he’s in France. No problem I think, I’ll just call Autoglass, they’ll do me some glass. Wrong. We had to call CARGLASS. Oh the fun we had.

The conversation went:
Me: Bonjour, parlez-vous l’anglais?
Her: Desole, je ne comprehendre pas l’anglais.
Me: Uh, Does anybody parlez-vous l’anglais?
Her: Non, Une moment, attendre a’ligne…..

Then I got passed to some woman who wanted to arrange an intervention…. oh well.

We got somebody else involved and that went equally as bad with CARGLASS, but finally our MD who although Italian and increadibly scary (it’s the mafia connections I’m sure) speaks fluent French. Even she can’t get Carglass to understand that we want GLASS IN TO CAR SO DRIVER VROOM VROOM TO ENGLAND. Idiots. So FAIL.

Saturday Afternoon: Me Tabs and Lisa went in the part bs to see Doomsday. INFO: BEST FILLUM EVAR. See it or die.

Sunday: Helped Vick move her stuff and a tellly. Her family are scary people (not the mafia connections). It was surreal. But at least I’m Vicky’s 3rd boyfriend. Although our sex life is non-existant and I’m horrid to her (but she loves it).

Anyways since the Fosters (or four cans I’ve just had is now setting in I shall go. See you my beetches.

I just pretty much got told by the AA to fuck off and take my problems elsewhere. So I did. Jerks.

I enjoyed my saturday, granted that I only got 3 hours before I had to get up again and that I did my laundry during that time and it didn’t even dry correctly so I had to, as expected, hang it all over the control centre to dry out (imagine my pants flung over monitors and desks). I discovered on friday evening that I was working the saturday morning AND the afternoon so I was a bit pissed off to say the least. But I got over it.

At 17.00 I finished work, had a shower here (their council tax now includes me as a permanent resident) then off to the horror that was Sainsburys on mothers-day eve to buy lagers AND pro-plus (cos I was hanging out me arse). Headed over to Matt’s to meet up with Pretty Craig and go out for the evening.  It was all good drank far too much at Matt’s, Speedpeedoed a Stella until I couldn’t take it as the blasphemous thing was well nasty!  We then headed out in to town, I think that’s when it all went down hill.  I made a point of getting properly bollox’d cos I had to be in work for 0900 to show the rest up!

I think in that evening I bought everybody drinks all night cos I ended it on the following day with only £5.35 to my name and I had ALOT more than that to hand.  So my budget is well blown to bits.

Anyways, back to the story at hand, we suddenly then went in to Melksham (about 10 miles away) I made an arse of myself and we taxi’d back to Craig’s pad to end off the evening.  At that point it kind of got a bit emo and I spent most of the evening crying which I find is well cool when you’re in the presence of other people.

I woke up the following morning and looked at my phone for the time and decided “I’m going to be sick” and barged through Craig’s room to the toilet to do just that.  Ace.

Then walked in to work, hanging, had my shower and started my 30 hour shift. Joy.

It’s 23.02 according to the phone system, I’m so tired right now that I’m only awake as I rammed down an ENTIRE packet of ProPlus and a bottle of the blue bolt out of sainsburys.

I’m so dillusional that I thought it was 23.59 a moment ago and I thought I had to log out before it goes over to tomorrow (as I have jobs stacked for all day tomorrow, which the system won’t let you out of unless it’s toggled off).

It turns out it only just turned 23.00 SAD FACE.

I’m still coding invoices now, at this very moment.  I wish to die.  On the brightside at least I have Verka Serduchka on the iPod to make me happy.  But my left earphone won’t stick in my ear.  Rubbish.

Mailbox - Danny

Originally uploaded by Кевин

This is what got sent back to me from a mailbox somebody sent off to Danny under my login. Thankfully he’s cool and realised it was a prank otherwise I’d have some explaining to do!!!!!!